i just google imaged poop.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
