if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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