hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
