She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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