I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
