after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
