party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize