I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
