college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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