I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and she was petting her beer can
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
