Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
