kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
