I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
