i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
