Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
