So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize