saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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