Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
