I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
