So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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