I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
