Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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