so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
