i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!