wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
