i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
