She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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