Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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