On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
