theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
