I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have aggressive nipples.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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