i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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