why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
