I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
