I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
