I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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