I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
