Me too!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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