My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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