I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
