How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
