turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
