Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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