I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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