So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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