Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
