I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman