i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
