my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
