Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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