That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
