3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
