my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
