dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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