I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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