I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
