her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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