Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
